Saturday, January 31, 2009

Conceptual Neutrality

There is a witticism to the effect of: “Blessed is he who, having nothing to say, refrains from giving wordy evidence of that fact.” I used to think that applied to all kinds of people other than me.

No, this blog is not shut down. Every day I wrestle with it, struggle to see if my experience can be grappled into words. Often it just doesn’t come together.

I’ve lived in a conceptual universe – like most people. I learned how to form vague thought strands into conceptual objects – mental instruments and tools for navigating through life. Over the years the process grew sort of automatic and transparent – I didn’t even know it was happening.

Sometimes – rarely – I would get a strange message alerting me to a reality and wholeness beyond my experience, but mostly I lived in a prefabricated mental state with narrowly defined limits.

Eventually there were some psychic nuclear detonations that changed my outer and inner landscape drastically. These cracked open huge awareness rocks and inner glaciers began to slowly thaw and move. Now I am embarked on a quest for conceptual neutrality.

These days the concepts fly around like flies - buzzing, buzzing - landing here and there. A nuisance, but at least they can be seen for the meager thought forms they really are. Not eternal beings, but merely passing effluvia (occasionally useful but mostly just distracting) that come and go through my field of awareness out of habit.

Consequently, I feel like most of my inspirations get mauled by these concepts into something mentally digestible and somewhat bland. So there is a reluctance to speak of them, to share in words what seems so underwhelming, as compared to the glory that is slowly starting to emerge.

This morning as I sat in a prayerful state, tears were coming. I didn’t know why; there was actually a sense of love hanging in the air like a mist, a fragrance. And that old phrase “love hurts” came to mind. It was intense, like electricity vibrating the cells of the body, flowing through the heart and squeezing it gently but firmly, squeezing it flat and dry, squishing every last bit of sorrow, sadness, grief and pain out into the light.

And then I discovered that someone cared whether the blog lived or died. So, thanks to those readers who expressed concern. The blog and I are not deceased, though in a spiritual sense that may be coming.


  1. I love and appreciate and so deeply relate to what you have shared here as always, thanks CD!

  2. Keep it going man. Lots of love.

  3. Beautiful. You've come a long way it seems from last Nov/Dec's writings. Thanks for sharing.

  4. You are DEARLY LOVED. Of course, do what you are called, but I'd be jonesing big time for your blog if you stopped.

  5. Plus, who is going to teach us words like "effluvia" if you aren't around to do so!

  6. I'm glad this blog is not dead, and when it dies I hope it will do so having fully served it's purpose. I will say that I enjoy checking in here. I find your search for truth comes from a place I can really relate to and I find myself cheering for you and the freedom you bring us all in your desire for it. This is not a mere blog, this is consciousness expansion at work! So in the words of MB, onwards then! Marc