Fear of Darkness
Over the weekend I thought I would stop writing this blog. It was too hard, and I did not have anything to give. I realized I was afraid because of all the pain flowing through my heart. Afraid that I would always be wandering in a desert of pain and confusion.
It was a very deep fear, that I could not find the way - the way inside. That I would always be a shadow needing someone to be close because I was afraid of my own darkness. And even if some kind soul was willing to try I had nothing to say in gratitude because there were no gracious words in my dark heart.
But finally I thought to just write a little about the fear itself. Because who knows, maybe this experience is not only mine. Maybe it is not merely my personal grief and anguish, but something other people suffer as well. Maybe it is part of the general human experience of these times.
And one thing I saw was that the fear invades all my confused thoughts – the horrible conflicts and twists and tangles that seem to have no solution. And these grow into dark smothering clouds of grief. But beneath the things fear says about how my life is so messed up, the scariest message is that – I can’t find the way and won’t ever be able to find the way. I will always be a blind man wandering helpless and hopeless in the thorny realm of endless emotional agony.
And I don’t know the answer to give back. Maybe it is true and if so I have a long hard road to go through until life mercifully ends. Or maybe it is not and sunlight will eventually break through and illumine a path that is now hidden from sight. Maybe the sun is closer than I even know, like in the beautiful scene above – hidden barely by some filmy clouds and ready to bathe the world in light.
