Betrayal

Betrayal

There is a burning ember inside, like a chunk of smoldering coal – hot, stinky, with razor-sharp edges that cut whatever they contact. Touching this piece of fiery energetic agony is like being crucified mercilessly, relentlessly, interminably.

And it has a name: BETRAYAL.

If only I could be the one betrayed – how much kinder that would be to my soul. But this cross is so much harder to bear: wounding loved ones and destroying their trust.

It is the discovery that you, even the “you” that was assumed to be somewhat wonderful, is capable of ultimate darkness and malicious harm to others.

How, just how, is this awareness, this hideous knowledge, to be borne? One can try to run from it, but there is a limit and eventually the shadow claims its victim.

It seems this ember cannot be extinguished. After a while even the tears become exhausted and run dry – the eyes cannot cry enough, the heart reaches its capacity for grief. The soul longs for annihilation as recompense for the pain it has caused.

I carried the lump of fiery darkness into the new day, accepting that this demon was to be my constant companion - as two prisoners are shackled together to make escape that much more difficult.

I said to it, sit down on my heart, be at ease, for I must still go to my day job.

But then I saw something along the road, nothing in particular, and a deep feeling arose. A feeling of abundance, of being in the middle of something alive and warm. And I remembered feeling the same thing as a child. Perhaps this is why children, who can do nothing for themselves, are not afraid at first.

But those children soon forget that loving, embracing presence. They “grow up” and learn they must provide for themselves - because the world is hostile. They lose the most precious reality, and after this they are always seeking (in the wrong ways) to find it again.

And I saw that betrayal can occur from the desire to recover and reclaim, at whatever cost, the ultimate joy that was lost so long ago.

Not that this makes it any easier.