Being Alright
So today I got close to the center of it, the epicenter of my truth. It has been the little seed under a thousand mattresses that still gave the Princess bruises on her butt no matter what.
“I’m never going to be alright inside.”
Yes, let’s argue against this and get the psychologists and psychiatrists involved. There are a million reasons why it shouldn’t be true. I’ve spent decades trying to disprove it in every way I could think of.
I’ve achieved this and accomplished that, succeeded in this thing and almost succeeded in that thing, had this multitude of relationships that demonstrate my worth and value and virility and necessity.
But the short answer is that none of that was ever needed, or would have ever been needed, if I had been alright inside. And since I’m not, therefore a million attempts had to be made to try to change my deficient inner condition from without.
Only now do I see how fruitless and vain this colossal effort was.
So what is left? As of today I just have to cop to the fact that “I’m never going to be alright inside.” Just bed down with that feeling and let it roll all over me and drown me in the vague sensation of nausea like something putrid has been sitting on the stomach for millennia.
What do I care if asteroids come and destroy the earth? Frankly, I will hurry over to ground zero and be the first one squashed. If I’m never going to be alright inside, then nothing outside is ever going to matter. THAT has been amply demonstrated in this life.
In a way it is kind of a relief to get this insight. It feels like now I can stop fighting – stop trying to make an outer life that is just not going to work, not going to manifest being alright, because “being alright” doesn’t have anywhere to come from.
So, it’s over. The struggle to be alright is over. In a way, I’m . . . free.
In other words, you're alright ... with not being alright.
ReplyDeleteAlright!
Congrats! I recently got here too, it is a relief.
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog from the beginning, and I really feel for your struggle because it is my struggle as well. I'm not sure I can accept your same conclusion for myself however. I couldn't agree more that there is great arrogance and futility in believing you can make changes to correct for a perceived deficient inner condition. It always seems to fail and with it comes such great weariness. I breath a heavy sigh just thinking of all the times I've had to pick myself up again and keep going at it, without that glimmer of hope and sense of knowing that comes with a path you lay before yourself to follow. I haven't fully learned that lesson yet but the truth of that is quite apparent to me. But isn't it equally arrogant and futile to decide for yourself that you will never be alright? It seems closer to the truth only in that it doesn't involve a specific doing on your part, but in the same breath there seems an equal commitment towards choosing resignation. Isn't the fundamental idea behind 2012 transformation! Or perhaps I am misunderstanding what you are saying, or just don't want it to be true. I don't want to speak too far outside my direct experience, but if we are truly One being, all sharing a common will and common experience at some fundamental level, then there has got to be some guidance common to the whole, otherwise the whole would never stick. It'd fly apart real fast. I also like to think that the nature of this common experience we share is benign and filled with peace. I can only speculate of course, but those times I have felt connected to others and part of something greater than myself have been blissful indeed. I don't think we should have to settle for pain! I just don't think we could ever bring about that transformation ourselves. Anyways, you can see your post has hit a nerve with me. Maybe what we are both saying really amounts to the same thing, but I do hope that you will keep on developing this idea for all of us. As it stands now, I don't sense you are fully satisfied with it. Shouldn't truth be satisfying?!
ReplyDeleteMarc
Hello Marc,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thoughtful post. I agree with you on principle.
"I'm never going to be alright inside" was what welled up in feelings. Hopefully this is not ultimately true, but it is practically true as a long-standing sense at the bottom of my awareness.
I've felt pretty near the same thing as you but then being a skeptic, about my own feelings that is, I also take my own sense of acceptance with a grain of salt. Acknowledging and accepting not being alright may be as fleeting as anything else. There will come a time when I will not be alright with not being alright, yet again. But I'll worry about that when it happens.
ReplyDeleteThen be alright with not being alright with not being alright.
ReplyDeleteAccept it where you can.
GRAOUND ZERO i'll meet you there!
ReplyDeleteYou bring the cheeze doodles i'll bring the pomagranted juice.
Stray cat