Fear of Darkness
Over the weekend I thought I would stop writing this blog. It was too hard, and I did not have anything to give. I realized I was afraid because of all the pain flowing through my heart. Afraid that I would always be wandering in a desert of pain and confusion.
It was a very deep fear, that I could not find the way - the way inside. That I would always be a shadow needing someone to be close because I was afraid of my own darkness. And even if some kind soul was willing to try I had nothing to say in gratitude because there were no gracious words in my dark heart.
But finally I thought to just write a little about the fear itself. Because who knows, maybe this experience is not only mine. Maybe it is not merely my personal grief and anguish, but something other people suffer as well. Maybe it is part of the general human experience of these times.
And one thing I saw was that the fear invades all my confused thoughts – the horrible conflicts and twists and tangles that seem to have no solution. And these grow into dark smothering clouds of grief. But beneath the things fear says about how my life is so messed up, the scariest message is that – I can’t find the way and won’t ever be able to find the way. I will always be a blind man wandering helpless and hopeless in the thorny realm of endless emotional agony.
And I don’t know the answer to give back. Maybe it is true and if so I have a long hard road to go through until life mercifully ends. Or maybe it is not and sunlight will eventually break through and illumine a path that is now hidden from sight. Maybe the sun is closer than I even know, like in the beautiful scene above – hidden barely by some filmy clouds and ready to bathe the world in light.
Ultimately, fear and everything of that nature - anger, grief, etc. - is an illusion. It's not real.
ReplyDeleteOf course, that is no consolation if you are experiencing fear, because then it feels oh so real. Same with anger, same with grief.
I got to the source of something very deep for myself yesterday. That, actually, I am constantly punishing myself for all the horrible things I have ever done - over the course of my many lifetimes. These things may well include such things as murder and rape, etc. that I may (or may not) have committed 8, 10, 20 lifetimes ago.
It's like, how can I possibly enjoy life, given all the horrible things I have done? No, I have to suffer, and I must be punished.
Now, originally, I thought it was God punishing me for all my sins. But I have since realised that being as God is love, the idea that God can punish me, or anyone else, is ludicrous. So, because God won't punish me, I have been doing that to myself.
In realising this, I think that some of the guilt and self-loathing has gone. And I am confident that whatever else shows up I can handle.
Ultimately, it is sbout acknowledging and taking responsibility for whatever shows up for us, forgiving it and letting it be. In so doing we act as God would, being as God is love.
Thank you Phil - your words are very helpful.
ReplyDeleteI feel like fear gets pushed into the forefront until we think it is the whole show. Fear has already told me so many times that my life is not worth living.
But in spite of that I am going to make bread today, and beans and sprouts. I intend to be grateful for this day, this moment of living, and for the things that have been given, and people I love wherever they may be.
I am going to be with "myself" as consciously as possible also, this self where surely God resides. And even though fear invades over and over as it does, I will try not to fight but to surrender and say, take what you can, take what you want. For what fear cannot take, whatever remains after that - must surely be me.
Someday fear will go away when there is nothing left to steal, when we are not afraid of death any more. When we are not afraid to suffer and not afraid of loss, then fear will have nothing left to threaten us with.
Dear Nesia,
ReplyDeleteI only follow two blogs: yours & Michael Brown's Aberdeen blog.
For some reason, I had a nagging feeling over the weekend that you may be having a tough time & consider not writing any more. Glad you changed your mind.
I for one, really enjoy reading your blog & especially connected to the Bridge People piece.
Hope you continue to write.
I just read this & thought you may find it useful (You may also look into the ten week Presence Process from Michael's book by this same name):
ReplyDeleteFrom "The Essence" by Michael Brown
PAIN AND DISCOMFORT
Pain and discomfort are words we use to describe an energetic condition in our emotional body that we mentally and physically perceive as being wrong, unpleasant, unproductive, uncomfortable, against us, harmful, or unnatural.
Due of our conditioned mental and physical perception of this emotional condition, our automatic reaction to it is grounded in fear and therefore fueled with resistance.
Thank for the encouragement, Mandana. I actually have read the Presence Process three times now and consider it one of the most useful works available.
ReplyDeleteDid you actually go through the ten week process? For me, big difference between reading it & actually going through the process.
ReplyDeleteIt took me ten weeks to get ready to begin the process. It then took 12 weeks to actually do the ten week process (no, I'm not slow!, just needed extre processing time some weeks)
I've gone through the ten week process twice and am about to begin it again. Each time it takes longer because the journey becomes the destination.
ReplyDelete